


Part 2: Carpe Pee-em

by Fedora Of Adorableness (TheTimelessChild0)



Series: Restrooms Are For The Wicked [2]
Category: White Collar
Genre: Awkwardness, Episode: s01e04 Flip of the Coin, Episode: s01e05 The Portrait, Episode: s01e11 Home Invasion, Humor, Urination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:54:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25914712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTimelessChild0/pseuds/Fedora%20Of%20Adorableness
Summary: He had 4 things; means, motive and opportunity. And a full bladder.
Series: Restrooms Are For The Wicked [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1874236
Kudos: 8
Collections: WC²





	1. Breaking News (and Rules)

Neal didn’t know he would work around so many gorgeous women. Taryn, Diana(off-limits, sadly), Tara, Lauren, and now this sweet publicist. 

“What’s it like up there?” he wondered. 

“Cutthroat,” was the only way she could describe it. She had fought her way to the top since she was a copywriter, but when Stacy Adams offered to cut her salary by 20% for a spot as an anchor after 6 months, she ended up stranded at her current position; while Stacy got new earrings. It still stung. 

It fascinated him. He knew that large corporations were elitist, nepotist and egotistical entities that cared about the bottom line more than treating employees fairly, but didn’t know it stretched all the way down to broadcast news.

She, unfortunately, had to depart, as her meeting had been moved to 12:30. 

Neal started to wonder what was taking Peter so long. Then he looked at the security guard and wondered where the hell Peter _was_. 

Finally, the significance of 12:30 hit him. It had been a few hours since Peter had sent him for some files, and he’d popped into the restroom on the way.

He observed the lobby. No signs, but he could probably search a few of the hallways, before anyone took notice. There were only two security guards, the one at the gate, and at the entrance. 

He decided to call Peter instead. If he got back soon enough, they could stop at a Starbucks where he’d feel less _exposed_.

\- “You left me here?”

He was quite annoyed; especially because there was a stranger named Phil between him and several floors of better bathrooms.

\- “Well, you looked _busy,_ ” Peter quipped.

\- “I _wish_ I was busy. Busy interrogating Alisha, and helping _you_. Isn’t that my job?”

Neal also wished he was busy as it would’ve made a practical distraction from the fact he needed to _pee_.

\- “No, right now, your job is to help me by telling me what her reaction is when she walks into the building and hears that the FBI is here,” Burke instructed.

Caffrey crossed his legs tighter, waiting. 

Teagan entered with confidence, but froze when hearing the 3 letters. That was red flag nr 1. Clearly she had done something that she wanted to hide from them. Tax evaders didn’t get like that. 

Neal rubbed his legs, and then felt his pockets. They were empty, but thick enough to fool someone into believing they contained something thin, like an _ID card..._

And they didn’t droop; they were sewn on so tight, that reaching into it would be too awkward for even the sliest sleight-of-hand.

He’d made his choice. 

* * *

The con man wished he’d found an equally apt disguise, that didn’t involve _liquids_. The sloshing of his selection of coffees made it difficult to walk as if he’d done this before. But, all he needed was to get through the gate. He’d sacrifice a little dignity and subterfuge in exchange for _dry_ pants.

As predicted, the proverbial ‘gatekeeper’ gave him the benefit of the doubt and let him through without swiping anything. 

* * * * *

He sighed, as he handed the coffees to the 2 anchors, leaving the rest on the table. 

“I’m Gary, the new sports anchor,” he introduced himself, one hand in his pocket, squeezing, as he utilized the leaning position to its full potential. 

“Aren’t you gonna take one?” Stacy’s co-anchor, Rob asked. 

“Uh, no thanks, I had one this morning, plus I’m trying to cut down on the dairy, so...oh, I think someone’s waiting for me in makeup,” Neal extricated himself from the situation.

He found a bathroom in one of the smaller side corridors. 

He hadn’t actually been lying about the coffee..except he’d had _way_ more than just one.

* * *

On the way back to the elevator he spotted Alisha hiding something in a drawer, as well as Peter looking at him. He hid in another small corridor and then darted to Teagan’s desk before someone else looked for ‘Gary’.

He found a receipt from a pawn shop, and copied it _twice,_ while huffing internally. That was not a decent receptacle for Egyptian treasures. Everyone knew you were meant to sell them to rich people _directly_. It’s how the British Museum got its exhibits.

* * * * * *

Peter was very frustrated at Neal’s intrusion. 

“I said sit and watch, not follow her,” he growled. “Don’t tell me you were gauging her facial expressions from behind." 

  
“Well, no,” Caffrey acknowledged. “I needed to use the restroom,” he explained, patting his thighs to hide the content of one of his pockets.

“And what, may I ask, was wrong with the one in the lobby?” Peter challenged.

“Too many people,” he frowned.

Burke raised an eyebrow. The floor they were on had a lot of people too. 

“People hanging about, like me. Just standing there, not doing anything. I felt... _watched_ ,” Neal muttered.

“All the reporters,” Peter drew the connection. “Afraid of becoming a headline? ‘Cause it’s a bit too late for that,” he noted.

“Hey, I didn’t know when you were coming back until I called you. What if you’d returned when I was still in there? I didn’t get a chance to leave a note,” Neal pointed out. 

“But; you knew I had gone up, and you knew I was interrogating her after you reported her reaction to me. You had time, _plenty of it_ ,” Burke countered. 

“I didn’t know where it was, I would’ve drawn attention to myself,” he argued.

Peter just nodded, dropping it. It was his consultant's Kryptonite.

“Well, you certainly got mine, sneaking into Alisha Teagans desk,” He held his hand out, for whatever Neal had taken. 

“I didn’t steal it, I just copied,” Caffrey left out the part about how _many_ copies.

“So that’s what she was scared of me finding...didn’t know she should’ve been worried about _us_ ,” Peter clapped Neal on the back. “Now I just have to find out what this is, and how to get it accepted into evidence,” 

“I’ve got the first part covered,” he smiled. 

Burke narrowed his eyes. He didn’t need to, or _want_ to ask...


	2. Un trés long moment

Brigitte laughed all the way up to her room. She’d only had champagne; Neal found himself glad that he had chosen a delicate wine instead. The white liquor was clearly very strong at the Gansevoort. Not that he really knew; it tasted like water and made him have to pee just as much. 

Not that wine didn’t. It was just more subtle. Which came in handy, now that he was surrounded by 2 beautiful French women, and needed to focus on finding Dorsett, not on whether his back teeth were floating yet. Which they weren’t, thankfully. 

Honestly, Neal didn’t know if he could trust his own instincts on the subject. Wine passed through the body slowly, due to the tannins. But he knew that the amount of fluid consumed was significant nonetheless. It was only a matter of _time_. He didn’t know what would be preferable, staying there, or going home. 

As long as it involved using a restroom, it made no difference to him.

\---------------------------------------------

The bedroom was locked, and not because Brigitte or Claire was changing. Either they had something really interesting and possibly illegal in there...or this was Dorsett’s apartment and it contained the Haustenberg. Either way, he hoped the bathroom had a second door that connected to the bedroom. Because while he could pick it, it would take too long even with Peter distracting them somehow, and Neal was pretty sure he wouldn’t be in the right mindset to find the painting by the time it got open. Mainly because he was really starting to need to use the restroom, like within the next few minutes if possible.

The girls requested music. 

“They want to play strip poker,” he told Peter, grinning at the face the Suit made at the prospect. He shifted a little on the spot, approaching Brigitte to dance. 

He stroked her back, and lifted the key from the pocket in her dress. His other hand used the cover of the body to grab his crotch for a moment. 

“ _Un moment_ ,” he promised, backing away to enter the bathroom. It was small and just as black as the doors. It was so sleek, he almost wondered if they could make an anklet in the same style.

As much as he wanted to just turn on the water and hope Peter didn’t hear him _not looking for the painting_ , Neal decided to do it in the right order, and actually look for the painting. 

It seemed that Dorsett was even more French than his weakened accent would suggest, as the portrait was hidden behind a supposedly empty frame; whose ability to stay on the wall without leaving air at the bottom, revealed its true weight. 

The painting itself held a secret of its own. It was _inscribed_ with the words ‘To my dearest Julianna. Keep this forever’. 

The anger which would’ve otherwise have been directed at the Curator from the Channing, was replaced by a smirk as he decided to steal the painting. It grew wider as he heard the girls turn up the music. Jackpot. 

He shot back into the bathroom, turning on the faucet anyway for safety’s sake. 

How badly he’d actually needed to go quickly became irrelevant, as he revelled in how good it felt. The best thing about wine in his opinion; felt good going in _and_ going out.

It was rare that he found himself using the bathroom during a stakeout, both because they usually didn’t last very long; before backup was called in, to arrest someone, or before they found evidence. Either way, they usually went home early enough. And he usually went to the bathroom beforehand. _And_ didn’t usually drink wine on the stakeout.

After crafting an origami butterfly, and putting it in the now _actually_ empty frame, he remembered that the car had been so stuffy, that he’d taken off his jacket. So, he climbed out of the window, ran down the fire escape and wrapped the coat around the painting. 

By the time he returned, all three people who could’ve wondered where he was, was out cold. 

There was a room service cart in the room, so he cleared it off, and threw his partner onto it. Then he called Mozzie to drive him _and_ his car home, while he borrowed the cab.

* * *

Peter wasn’t pleased to hear that Neal had stolen the painting. But at least he’d told him. It did please him to know that his CI didn’t hide things from him in fear of repercussions. Probably because he believed Peter would protect him from them. which he _would_ , to a degree. Sometimes the end justified the means. Especially if the crimes committed by Neal paled in comparison to that of their target.

Caffrey moved to leave as Peter wished. El stopped him. 

“Wait here just a moment, Neal,” she requested.

“It doesn’t take that long to make an origami butterfly, cover the painting with something, and slip it past my unconscious husband,” 

Peter frowned, as something clicked. The amount of time before he fell asleep, was more than enough time for Neal to find the painting and decide to steal it. The question was _how_ he stole it.

“How _did_ you steal it?” he asked.

“I left my jacket in the car, used that to hide the painting. The music was still on at full blast, so I didn’t know you were asleep,” Neal answered plainly. 

Peter nodded. Then it hit him. “You heard the music being turned up?”

Caffrey nodded an affirmative. “You couldn’t have. The music was turned on much later than you would’ve snuck out with the painting,” Peter explained. 

“Well, I needed to go to the bathroom first,” Neal admitted. 

“So, guess you didn’t lie to Brigitte after all,” 

They laughed.

  
“Slightly more than _un_ moment...” Caffrey noted, leaving properly.


	3. Let's Go To The Restroom, Moriarty

He’d warned Peter. The bust was the first red flag. It cost 450 000 dollars, but could easily be resold for 750. And the owner was using it as a hat rack. 

This was a man who had enough money to buy whatever he wanted, to use as anything. 

As soon as he heard this, he knew it was time to abort. He was a reformed criminal surrounded by treasures. It was like Christmas mixed with the SATs. He could feel himself tensing up. 

“I can’t be here,” he begged. Peter seemed thoroughly unbothered. 

When they told Dan he might be a target of a theft, he got  _ excited!  _ It was like he was from a different planet. 

Next to the Boaz Vaadia... _ hat stand,  _ was a pair of samurai swords. His prior instincts of how to steal it, kicked in, making him itch from head to toe. And as if he wasn’t already uncomfortable  _ enough _ , his worst nightmare happened. He had to pee.  _ Well, that’s gonna relax me right up... _ Except he was in an eccentric billionaire’s house.

Peter suggested they ‘move it along’, i.e find a quicker way to guess what Pierce wanted from Picah. An impossible task. 

“Do you guys want to see the rest of the house?” Dan offered. 

_ No, I want to use the restroom, preferably soon and without you hearing a thing about it,  _ Neal grumbled internally.

He signalled frantically to Peter that he needed to go. Literally. Of course, the FBI agent did not speak charades, so instead nudged him along firmly. 

This. Was A Problem. 

* * *

At first, all was well, relatively speaking. He managed to just breathe in and out, and focus on all the various valuables. 

Peter, on the other hand, snuck intermittent glances at his CI. He seemed to be slowing down, despite him having expected Neal to want to leave  _ quickly _ , and thus get the tour over with. 

He started asking Caffrey about his opinion on the pieces. Neal responded vaguely, with less skirting around the fact that he’d stolen something just like that. 

Dan didn’t seem to mind. 

“You okay?” Burke asked Neal quietly. 

He shook his head, showing nervousness, walking away before Peter could investigate any further. 

* * * * * * * * * * *

Neal stopped abruptly as he heard the faint sound of gushing. It was subtle enough to ignore from a distance. 

Both Peter and Dan stopped as well, staring at him. 

“You coming?” Picah asked, puzzled.

Caffrey blushed. “Yeah, sorry, just...zoned out for  _ un moment _ ,” he remarked, looking significantly at Peter.

Agent Burke frowned. The word used was harkening back to the Haustenberg case.

He tried to recall it. They were in the hotel with Brigitte, Neal stepped into the bathroom...

_ Click _ . Peter looked at the collection with fresh eyes. It was why Caffrey had wanted to leave so badly! He’d already concluded that asking to use the restroom here was out of the question. 

Burke placed himself strategically between Neal and Dan, blocking the former from the view of the latter. He didn’t bother checking up on his friend, he already knew Neal was in a bad way.

“You know where this would go really well? Inside a really big bathroom,” Peter noted. 

“I would, but they’re all too small. Except for the one on this floor, by the trilobites, but I use that when I wake up, I can’t have that noise, I’d have to clean the floors twice as often,” Dan joked. 

He turned to see whether the silent guy made some facial expression of amusement, but he was nowhere to be found. 

Peter smiled. Neal had successfully run off to the restroom. 

* * *

“I second your thoughts, Dan the man! Waterfalls belong in nature, not where you answer nature’s call,” Neal remarked. 

Dan nodded in agreement. 

They kept walking through many more expensive trinkets and curiosities.

“Clever trick you pulled for your consultant back there,” Picah noted to Peter. 

Burke displayed his confusion. 

“You made that comment about the placement of the fountain on purpose. I’m not an idiot, I made the connection,” Dan stated. 

“Well, don’t tell him that...I think he appreciates the gesture because it would mean you  _ wouldn’t  _ know,” Peter muttered. 

“Wouldn’t know what?” Neal entered the conversation. 

“I was just wondering why  _ you  _ didn’t ask me where the bathroom was,” Picah explained. 

Caffrey’s eyes widened. He turned on his feet and proceeded to admire a crystal swan. 

“Nice swan,” he complimented. 

“I’m not a billionaire, if that’s what gave you pause,” Dan reminded him.

“I’ve stolen from billionaires. Net worth doesn’t faze me. Museums, however, have been known to be intimidating,” Neal stated.

“Ah... the kid in a candy store. I get it. Those  _ do not  _ have bathrooms,” he remarked. 

“Certainly not very nice ones,” Caffrey agreed. 

“Neal’s not exactly forthcoming on the topic around  _ strangers _ ,” Peter explained.

“Least of all those with  _ your _ exquisite taste in furniture,” 

“So, worse than a museum. You have to ask the  _ curator _ . Well, for future reference, the bathroom on the first floor is around the corner from the Go Yoshihiro,” Dan informed him. 

Neal gave a grateful nod, and the tour continued. 

The first thing he did when he came back, was verbally excuse himself to the restroom.

  
It was pure science; When you break the  _ ice _ , you get water.


End file.
